The Cost of Living: from and to or…
Thoughts from my bed

by Rachel Hazlewood

I try to live my life – and then
I find I’m back in bed again:
Exhausted, drained, wrung out and weak;
Too tired to move; too tired to speak;
Too tired to lift my head – or blink.
The only thing to do is THINK

I think about the life I had:
It breaks my heart, it makes me sad
To think of what I used to be
Before this illness – before ME.
I used to take it all for granted
Being and doing whatever I wanted:
I could work all week and meet
with friends and talk,
And don my boots and walk and walk……
I loved to walk. Oh Boy! Oh Man!
I’d walk up Snowdon, up Pen Y Fan,
Cross Striding Edge and up Helvellyn
If I tried that now there’d be no telling
What price I’d pay for the attempt:
I guess I’d end up back here,
in bed – unkempt.

You might think I’m daft; or mad; plain crazy.
It’s all in my head – perhaps I’m lazy.
There are no tricks, no hocus-pocus
For us we must fine tune our focus.
Nowadays there’s far too much to lose
If I don’t take the time to carefully choose.
With this relentless illness in my life –
Today should I be friend or sister,
daughter, aunt or wife.
Should I give my all at work – or stay at home
Feeling useless, worthless, abandoned – alone.
Should I wash up, or hoover, or do a
small task in the garden.

If I cancel plans with you I do beg your pardon.
But when your life is touched by ME
You’ll understand, you’ll quickly see:
Whatever I choose there will be a price to pay
Tomorrow, if I choose too much today.
For you may think it’s great to lie in bed
All day, and rest and sleep and dream;
But not for me – in pain, exhausted
To lie and think and silently scream.....

@Rachel Hazlewood