Defenceless Vulnerability:
the daily feud of social anxiety

by Amber Safia

Can’t help but feel remorse
For avoidance that brings
A hint of sanctuary to my mind.

Most of the time I force
Myself to ‘get over it’,
to cope-
But that only results in
Feeling further confined.

Trapped in ‘the vicious cycle’,
And I’m losing hope.

I’ll face the horrifically uncomfortable situation-
Because I don’t want to destroy my reputation.
When incapability of holding a basic conversation,
Is interpreted as a ‘lack of participation’-

I can’t do this anymore.

How am I supposed to get through life?
When I can’t even sit in a classroom-
Without tears filling my eyes,
Because I can feel theirs’ on me-
But that’s what I get
for ‘standing out from the crowd’?

How am I ‘too quiet’-
When everything around me is painfully loud?

An unconventional ‘freak’
With a failure physique-
I’ve let these disorders define me.

The momentary permanence
Of panic-induced mental paralysis.
The incapable independence,
A defenceless vulnerability.
The strange, comfortable, normality
Of crippling anxiety

©Amber Safia