“People say to me things like, oh, you can't be autistic. That's not right. You make eye contact, or you do public speaking for your job… I didn't disclose it until I was forced to due to work issues”

Peta Hooke interviews Ashlee, an autistic woman and a mother of three amazing children who are also autistic. Ashlee talks about coping with unexpected change, the challenges of invisibility and the pressure to disclose. She also talks about how wearing the Sunflower can provide comfort and a feeling of security to people with Autism and would like to see more of it in Shopping environments.

For more information about Autism, please visit our invisible disabilities index .

The Sunflower Conversations is a Podcast where we explore the experiences of people living with hidden disabilities and what the Sunflower means to them. It’s a space to share your experience and to empower and encourage more people to support invisible disabilities. 

A big thank you to Peta Hooke for conducting the interviews with compassion and respect and to Sandee Facy for the beautiful Sunflower song. You can follow Peta's I can't stand podcast here and Sandee Facy's music here.

If you want to share your experience, get in touch with us by emailing us here.  

Transcript:

Peta [00:00:00] I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of land and waters of which this podcast is recorded, especially to those with a disability themselves. Hello and welcome to Sunflower Conversations, a podcast where we explore the experiences of people with hidden disabilities and what the sunflower means to them. My name is Peta Hooke. I'm your host. I have cerebral palsy as well as other non visible disabilities. Every episode we're going to be chatting with a different sunflower wearer to understand what it's like for them to identify as somebody with a hidden disability and how people can best support them in different circumstances. Let's add a little bit of sunflower sunshine to your day and get started.

Ashlee [00:01:04] My name is Ashlee. I am an autistic woman and a mother of three amazing children who are also autistic. I have fluorescent pink hair. I am a white Caucasian female and I'm 35.

Peta [00:01:18] I have to say, your hair is fabulous.

Ashlee [00:01:21] Thank you.

Peta [00:01:22] What do you think people most commonly misunderstand about your disability Ashlee?

Ashlee [00:01:28] I think for me, it's that people assume I don't actually have one. Being that it's invisible. People say to me things like, oh, you can't be autistic. That's not right. You make eye contact or you do public speaking for your job. So, you know, when people think of me as an autistic parent, I think there's. My experience has been there's a pretty common misconception that I'm not going to be affectionate or might be emotionally disconnected, which is obviously very untrue, or I wouldn't have had three of them. And then, you know, as a parent with children on the spectrum, I get a lot of, comments from people in the public that, don't understand and don't know but, you know, around behaviours or. Why is your child so noisy? Or you should just be giving them a smack which, you know, it's it's terrible. Yeah. People say it.

Peta [00:02:19] Oh, gosh. Okay. Wow. Clearly this is, this is great that you're on the podcast then because clearly people have a lot to learn and better understand. So you've mentioned a few of those there in your previous answer. But what challenges do you face because of your autism Ashlee?

Ashlee [00:02:40] For me it's more around dealing with scenarios that I don't expect. That's probably my biggest challenge. I find it really difficult when when plans change with work or when something is unexpected. And so, you know, going out in the public, that can be any number of things, you know, going to the shops and not being able to find what I want, for example, just really stresses me out. Things like that. Busy spots, like an aeroplane. That's the worst.

Peta [00:03:10] So why do you choose to wear the hidden disability sunflower?

Ashlee [00:03:14] Because for me, I mean, it's still new, obviously in Australia and we're all learning it, but I am finding now that there is a bit more recognition of it. I travel a lot for work. I work remotely, so when I do wear it on things like public transport or in the airport, I do find now, every now then that with some carriers and some staff, they will ask, is there anything that we can do for you? We can see that you're wearing the sunflower and it just really helps. Well, I don't need it. You know, any kind of physical adjustments. It's more just like appreciating that they say, you know, that they're offering and that it gives me the opportunity to do things like board the plane first or last. So I'm not stuck, crashed with people touching me.

Peta [00:03:55] As somebody who has an obvious disability myself, I can imagine having that recognition that people then realise that you're autistic can be really great too.

Ashlee [00:04:05] Yeah, it's really nice to. Yeah, just people understand they don't necessarily know what it means or what's happening with me, but it's enough that they recognise that maybe I'm going to need some help.

Peta [00:04:16] Yeah, absolutely. And for those listening who may be, you know, they might see you in, in public and you're wearing your sunflower lanyard and they're in a position that they are able to help, like they might work for an organisation. How would you like them to approach you? What's the best way to help you Ashlee?

Ashlee [00:04:35] I mean, for me as an individual, it would just be I like when they mention, you know, oh, I can see that you're wearing the sunflower. And then they just offer. Is there anything that we can do to help you to make this more comfortable? That's nice when, you know, when I mentioned the sunflower so that you don't feel awkward if somebody is like, yes. What helped you need?

Peta [00:04:53] Do you wear it in work environments as well? Is it recognised in your workplace?

Ashlee [00:04:58] It is. We, our members, the organisation I work for is Northcott. It's a disability company. So yes, we promote it and I wear it at work like, you know, within my organisation, for example, we have lots and lots of employees who I know have a hidden disability but don't wear the sunflower and don't feel comfortable to disclose that. And for me, you know, I didn't disclose it until I was forced to due to work issues where some of my body language and the way that I speak was interpreted in a negative way, and I had to disclose to explain myself, and it really forced me then to to re-evaluate our work practices because we're amazing at our customers and we weren't so amazing in our staff. And, you know, we we've developed heaps of stuff like a, you know, an employee network for people with disability now that's supporting the rest of us to sort of get up and, and feel more confident to show that sunflower talk about the disability and, you know, take away that stigma.

Peta [00:05:52] Absolutely, because I don't think anybody wants to put somebody in a situation where they feel like they have to disclose. It's it's different if they want to. 100%. So when did you start wearing the sunflower lanyard?

Ashlee [00:06:08] And for me, it would have been probably 12 months ago. Yeah, it's been a while, but I was had my children wear them, and I've been wearing them a bit longer than me. So my youngest, they're only six and nine. They don't necessarily understand it or you know what autism means. But my daughter just loves the the wristband because it's pretty. So, you know, it's the novelty of it. But my eldest, he's 17 and he, he understands it and he really likes it again, for the same purposes that I do this understanding and that offer of support. And he doesn't have to put himself into a position he doesn't feel safe and comfortable in.

Peta [00:06:47] Considering you had you were forced to come out with your disability and you've only been wearing the sunflower lanyard for 12 months or so. I'd love to hear whether you have evolved in your disability identity, or you feel different about your disability identity now that you wear the sunflower lanyard.

Ashlee [00:07:07] Yes, absolutely. It was like I said, it was, you know, it was easy for me to to support my kids with it and then keep it separate from myself as an adult until, yeah, until I was forced. And then after that initial discomfort of having to disclose it, you know, with all my colleagues and friends who I knew had invisible disabilities, but nobody else knew, it just made me realise. So I started wearing the Sunflower because it did realise, well, if I don't speak up and and start and be more confident and just own it as a part of who I am. I'm quite proud of my neuro spicy brain. I think it's I tell my children it makes us superheroes because we're so unique. If anything, I think wearing it has made me kinder to myself. I don't I don't worry now about it's just this is who I am. Like it or lump it.

Peta [00:07:57] I love that. I think disability pride is such a powerful thing and regardless of age you are when you find it, it can just completely transform lives in my very biased opinion

Ashlee [00:08:08] But you're not wrong. You're not wrong. And honestly, if I could change anything, it would just be that I got to this point younger.

Peta [00:08:16] Where else would you like to see the sunflower program adopted? So you've you've talked a little bit about your work. We've talked about airlines. Where else would you like to see it?

Ashlee [00:08:27] I think one of the most important ones, especially as a parent for children with disabilities, is shopping centres. It's so important. And, you know, it's so rare that you know, you don't when especially with autism, my kids get so overwhelmed with, you know, the patterns and the flooring and the lighting and the people around. And, you know, you can't do much about changing the environment completely. But, you know, maybe some awareness for the staff there. So you don't have, you know, there's always going to be strangers in these places, but, you know, awareness so that there isn't those awkward conversations or if there is with a person that there's people that can support you through it and, you know, help that person who's making those. Well-meaning but insulting comments. Understand a bit better.

Peta [00:09:12] And that's another episode for Sunflower Conversations.  Don't forget, you can always connect with the sunflower between episodes either via our website HD sunflower.com/au via our Facebook Hidden disabilities A and Z or via Instagram. Hidden disabilities_ ANZ. Those links will also be in the description. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time, have a lovely sunflower day.